Is it possible to make everyone happy at your wedding,
especially when there’s a mixed bag of personalities (and religious views)
within and between you and your fiancés families? The short answer is no, so
stop kvetching and throw the wedding of YOUR dreams, despite what the forces
around you might desire. But let’s say
you really want to try to make everyone happy.
When it comes to throwing an Orthodox Jewish Wedding there are certain topics
that may become heated discussions. I
recently went to an Orthodox Jewish Wedding that did a superb job of finding a
balance for everyone, and I would like to share some learnings:
·
Modesty and Wedding Guest Attire:
o
How do you enforce “modesty” at your wedding
when guests come from many backgrounds?
This is what my friend did:
§
Favor of your Reply Card: My friend sent a wedding invitation it
included a favor of reply card that stated the following at the bottom of the
card: “We request that you please
dress modestly”.
·
The Mechitza and Dancing – mixed vs separate: Some religious families prefer completely
separate rooms or a wall that folds to separate men and women from each other
during the dancing/ Horah. How can you
make everyone happy if the idea of separate dancing at your wedding is
something you will not consider? This is
what my friend did:
o
For most of the dancing there was separate
dancing using trees as the mechitza. The
bride mentioned to relevant family members ahead of time that there would
eventually be mixed dancing, during the last hour of the wedding. This helps give a heads up to relatives that
will either love (or hate) having it mixed.
·
Mixed Gender Seating at the Ceremony
o
Some wedding venues may not have a center aisle
to walk down where there is a section of seats to the left and a section to the
right, making it difficult if you want/need to have the men and women seated
separately. This is where your bridal
party and/or venue staff can take an active role. My friend’s wedding was in a synagogue that did
have a center aisle; however, it did help that the venue staff were standing at
the doors to the ceremony area handing out ceremony programs and guiding men
and women to their respective seating areas.
·
Mixed Gender Seating at the Reception
o
The general theme among Jews holding by
different practices is that the more religious may want separate gender seating. You may not want this. So, what can you do to make everyone
happy? This is what my friend did:
§
Table Placement:
The L-Shape of the reception area where tables were placed became a strategic
placement of where wedding guests were seated. At the far end of one part of the L-shape
there were religious families separated by gender. The other part of the L-shape was mixed
gender seating. Such placement ensured
all parties to feel comfortable at their respective tables.
§
Benching:
When it came to benching at the end of dinner, my friend had her rabbi find a
neutral area to make the “benching” announcement and gather guests that wanted
to participate to be near the bride/groom for singing the sheva brachot.
·
Ultra- Orthodox, Modern Orthodox, Traditional
Jewish, Reform
o
Sometimes there are “extreme” Jews within the
bride and grooms families. These Jews may
feel passionate about where they stand as Jews to an extent that could impact
the harmony of your wedding. What do you
do?
§
Acceptance is Key. Maybe the reform Jews in your family hate the
idea of wearing a kippah, or dressing “modestly”. Maybe the ultra-orthodox Jews are discontented
by the idea of mixed dancing. You cannot
control how they feel, so don’t even try.
But what you can do is embrace them and embellish their differences. This is what my friend did:
·
Under the Chuppah, she gave honors to a variety
of Jews…a very well-respected religious rabbi with curly sideburns, wearing a shtreimel
hat and black and white garb gave a bracha with the thickest Yiddish accent you
ever heard and did it with all his heart; not soon after, a not-so religious
relative gave a bracha reading from a transliterated Hebrew/English paper in
order to pronounce the Hebrew correctly.
It was touching and beautiful to see both extreme Jews under the Chuppah
sharing the same mitvah of honoring the bride and groom.
