Making Everyone Happy

Is it possible to make everyone happy at your wedding, especially when there’s a mixed bag of personalities (and religious views) within and between you and your fiancés families? The short answer is no, so stop kvetching and throw the wedding of YOUR dreams, despite what the forces around you might desire.  But let’s say you really want to try to make everyone happy.  When it comes to throwing an Orthodox Jewish Wedding there are certain topics that may become heated discussions.  I recently went to an Orthodox Jewish Wedding that did a superb job of finding a balance for everyone, and I would like to share some learnings:

·         Modesty and Wedding Guest Attire:

o   How do you enforce “modesty” at your wedding when guests come from many backgrounds?  This is what my friend did:

§  Favor of your Reply Card:  My friend sent a wedding invitation it included a favor of reply card that stated the following at the bottom of the card:  “We request that you please dress modestly”.

·         The Mechitza and Dancing – mixed vs separate:  Some religious families prefer completely separate rooms or a wall that folds to separate men and women from each other during the dancing/ Horah.  How can you make everyone happy if the idea of separate dancing at your wedding is something you will not consider?  This is what my friend did:

o   For most of the dancing there was separate dancing using trees as the mechitza.  The bride mentioned to relevant family members ahead of time that there would eventually be mixed dancing, during the last hour of the wedding.  This helps give a heads up to relatives that will either love (or hate) having it mixed.

·         Mixed Gender Seating at the Ceremony

o   Some wedding venues may not have a center aisle to walk down where there is a section of seats to the left and a section to the right, making it difficult if you want/need to have the men and women seated separately.  This is where your bridal party and/or venue staff can take an active role.  My friend’s wedding was in a synagogue that did have a center aisle; however, it did help that the venue staff were standing at the doors to the ceremony area handing out ceremony programs and guiding men and women to their respective seating areas.

·         Mixed Gender Seating at the Reception

o   The general theme among Jews holding by different practices is that the more religious may want separate gender seating.  You may not want this.  So, what can you do to make everyone happy?  This is what my friend did:

§  Table Placement:  The L-Shape of the reception area where tables were placed became a strategic placement of where wedding guests were seated.  At the far end of one part of the L-shape there were religious families separated by gender.  The other part of the L-shape was mixed gender seating.  Such placement ensured all parties to feel comfortable at their respective tables.

§  Benching:  When it came to benching at the end of dinner, my friend had her rabbi find a neutral area to make the “benching” announcement and gather guests that wanted to participate to be near the bride/groom for singing the sheva brachot.

·         Ultra- Orthodox, Modern Orthodox, Traditional Jewish, Reform

o   Sometimes there are “extreme” Jews within the bride and grooms families.  These Jews may feel passionate about where they stand as Jews to an extent that could impact the harmony of your wedding.  What do you do?

§  Acceptance is Key.  Maybe the reform Jews in your family hate the idea of wearing a kippah, or dressing “modestly”.  Maybe the ultra-orthodox Jews are discontented by the idea of mixed dancing.  You cannot control how they feel, so don’t even try.  But what you can do is embrace them and embellish their differences.  This is what my friend did:

·         Under the Chuppah, she gave honors to a variety of Jews…a very well-respected religious rabbi with curly sideburns, wearing a shtreimel hat and black and white garb gave a bracha with the thickest Yiddish accent you ever heard and did it with all his heart; not soon after, a not-so religious relative gave a bracha reading from a transliterated Hebrew/English paper in order to pronounce the Hebrew correctly.  It was touching and beautiful to see both extreme Jews under the Chuppah sharing the same mitvah of honoring the bride and groom.